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You can also find the stories at www.fanfiction.net for a possible easier read (blogspot doesn`t agree with word format most of the time).
Story: "A Bounty Hunter´s Secrets"
Rating: K+
Words: 1,976
“Why is it that Martha and Alexis
have a Christmas Eve tradition that doesn’t include you?”
“Seems unnatural, doesn’t it?
But when Alexis was six, Meredith promised to take her to The Nutcracker
matinee on Christmas Eve. She was so excited that she woke me up at dawn
so I could zip her green frilly dress and curl her hair. Meredith
cancelled by noon and that marked the first time Alexis knew she’d been
slighted. She was so stoic, she didn’t even cry. Mother stepped in, got
the impossible tickets then made Alexis feel like a princess for the day.
They had such a good time that it became their thing.”
Kate pulled out the silverware.
“You’ve never gone?”
“No, that afternoon was my
chance to do last minute wrapping and toy assembling so it worked well for me
too.”
Castle, her partner/significant
other/whatever, was only a few years away from possibly having grandkids.
Kate schooled her expression and
forced herself to breathe evenly.
It’s not like she hadn’t done the
math before, but she was holding out hope that one day she’d have a baby of her
own, which could only be a baby of their own. Was he over that
part of his life? They hadn’t talked about it aside from him casually
saying he ‘wanted the option’ when he was afraid he’d rendered himself
infertile. She hadn’t pushed, because if she had to choose between a life
with Castle and no kids or a life with kids and no Castle, there was no choice.
She was well past the point of considering any form of a future without
him. She just hadn’t been ready to accept that Rick Castle and children
were mutually exclusive options.
Now it seemed he was focused on
Alexis’ future kids, not hers.
“We went to Iowa for a weekend in
November. Jim took that picture. He was so good with them.”
Ellen had grandchildren. Maybe
her dad didn’t care if he had any biologically.
Her reproductive abilities seemed to
be suddenly moot.
Why did it bother her? She
looked to the mantle and saw Alexis’ stocking.
She wanted to fill a stocking, a
stocking for her own child, for their child.
She wanted Martha and Alexis to take
that child to The Nutcracker so she and Rick could run around the loft assembling
tricycles and wrapping Lego sets.
Wait. Her dad went where?
She shot a look at him wide-eyed.
He met her eyes and gave her that
look. It was a look she knew all too well. It was guilt mingled with
an inquiry into her mental status.
Jim had sprung a girlfriend on Katie
a few days before Christmas and forced her hand to invite Ellen before his
daughter had time to get used to the idea. He had taken a trip with
Ellen to Iowa to visit her only son when he hadn’t even told his only daughter
that he was dating.
Kate needed to compartmentalize to
survive the evening or she’d stay in a fog and her dad might withdraw.
She had expected the evening would be awkward, but she had so many issues
relentlessly fighting for center stage that she lacked the fortitude to face
any of them.
She needed a tactical retreat.
She excused herself and headed for
Castle’s ensuite to erect a few physical barriers between herself and everyone
who was addling her mind. She sat on the counter, pulled up her knees and
stared at Boba Fett for a good three minutes. She used to find it
unsettling to have a life-sized bounty hunter
watching her every, very personal move, but considering all the other
life-sized characters in the loft, he seemed like her safest option.
She ran her hand through her hair and
awkwardly addressed him. “I don’t even know where to start.” She
felt a little ridiculous, but it was as though words were being siphoned from
her, “Since I’m talking to his action figure, I guess I should start with
Castle. He’s right. Becketts are ‘one and dones’ but that’s not
what he’s ever known. What if one day the ‘Rodgers zeal’ kicks in and I’m
not enough? He’s been nothing but devoted to me and I have no reason to
think that he’d stray, but he made it sound as though Martha physically can’t
help herself from flitting from one relationship to another. What if it’s
in his DNA? He would never intentionally hurt me, but I just don’t want
him to look back and feel that he settled, you know? He’s it for me. I
wouldn’t survive it if he didn’t feel the same ten years from now.”
She thumped the back of her head
against the mirror.
“Then Dad brings a date to Christmas
Eve.” She rubbed her lips together thoughtfully. I didn’t expect to like
her, you know? He’s smitten. I didn’t know Dad could do smitten.
And it’s a giddy smitten, not the I’ve loved you all my life comfortable
smitten that he was around Mom.”
“He hadn’t even told me about
Ellen and he flew with her to Iowa to meet her grandkids. I admit that
one stings. Of course, since I’m unhinged enough to be discussing it with
a life-sized doll, maybe he had his reasons. Still.”
She squeezed her eyes shut.
“It’s not that I don’t want
him to move on, you know? I want him to be happy. Mom would want
him to be happy. I just hadn’t realized how hard it would be to see him
look at anyone like that who isn’t her. It’s one thing when it’s
hypothetical, it’s another thing when I see the woman who’s filling Mom’s chair
at the dinner table.”
“I’m being completely unreasonable.”
Kate blew a breath up to wisp her
hair from her face.
“I didn’t mean to make this so
awkward. Dad took a bold step by bringing Ellen and instead of getting to
know her, I’m wigging out. This must be so much worse for them than the
‘meet the parents’ fiasco was for us. Oh no, what if I’m driving a wedge
between them? What if when I go back out there, Ellen’s gone, or they both
are? Dad would have every right to be angry, and we don’t need anything
else to strain our relationship. He’s come so far, but maybe I haven’t
come far enough.”
She looked at Boba Fett then down at
her fingernails. She hadn’t subconsciously chipped at her nail polish for
years. She needed to change topics.
“What if Castle only wants grandkids?”
She plunged from the uncomfortable topic to the unbearable one. “I mean,
just look at Alexis. How could we ever have a kid who measures up to her?
She’s not mine and even I’m insanely proud of her. Huh. I am proud
of her. I care about her, I mean, she’s Castle’s so of course I’d love
her for that alone. She might not feel the same about me but maybe by the
time Alexis has kids we’ll be in a better place and she’ll let me be involved.”
Kate blew out a breath. “I
couldn’t mess up grandchildren too badly. It’s a safer option.” She
cringed, “Maybe that’s it. Maybe Castle doesn’t think I’m mother
material. I couldn’t even fault him for feeling that way since I don’t
know the first thing about raising kids.”
“Just listen to me. We’re not even engaged
and I’m ranting about grandchildren!”
She rubbed her brow with her thumb
and forefinger.
“Still, if Alexis was all we had,
would that be enough? We wouldn’t have that little baby who’s a perfect
combination of us. I feel like I’m mourning that loss and we
haven’t even had the discussion yet.” Kate wrapped her arms around her
knees and buried her head. “I’m such a mess.”
So much for compartmentalizing, now
she’d just have to ride out the emotional overload then try to mask it with
make-up.
“Well, maybe we should have that
discussion.”
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