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Story: "Tag, You`re It!"
Rating: T
Words: 3,493
The elevator doors opened to reveal New York's Finest in the
midst of a party, but the occupant of the elevator was in no hurry to join
them.
Kate clutched a red gift bag in her hands and eyed the scene
before her like it was a fruitcake she felt obligated to accept. She stood
there so long the doors began to slide shut, and she felt a glimmer of
fruitcake-dodging hope. Maybe she could just quietly slip away...
An arm suddenly shot into view, reopening the doors and halting
her escape. "Oh, no you don't," Lanie warned. "Get your butt out
of that elevator and join the fun. Or whatever this is."
Kate didn't move. "I don't know, Lanie. I'm not really in
the mood for an office party. No one will notice if there's one fewer person
around the punch bowl."
"Yes, they will," Lanie argued. "Gates definitely
will. I think I saw her taking attendance. Besides, if I have to do this stupid
Secret Santa thing, so do you. Get those boots walking." The shorter woman
stepped in to grip her friend's elbow and practically frog-marched her forward
before the doors could close again.
"It's not even a Secret Santa," grumbled Kate.
"It's a 'Winter Holiday Mystery Gift Exchange'. Like we don't get enough
mystery in our lives already."
"Why did Gates pick this year to subject us to her
Winter Holiday wrath?"
"Something about employee feedback forms describing her
'oppressive lack of humor'."
"And now she's the only one laughing. Well, never mind how
we got here," Lanie dismissed their fate with a wave of her hand. “We're
here now, so let me introduce you to that punch bowl."
Kate raised an eyebrow and took note of Lanie's louder voice and
looser joints. "It looks like the two of you have already met. I take it
someone added a secret ingredient?"
Lanie gave a conspiratorial nod. "Blackberry schnapps. It
took me a few glasses to be sure, but a good scientist is always
thorough." She narrowed her eyes at Kate's attempt to not smirk.
"Hey, don't you judge my research methods. I've been reduced to buying
orthopedic insoles for Perlmutter to get him to shut up about his damn arches,
and to top it off, Javi has been dropping hints all week that he drew my name,
and I'm willing to bet he bought me something completely inappropriate for an
office party. I need a little liquid cheer."
They stopped in front of an artificial tree with at least a
dozen identical red gift bags piled underneath. Kate stared again at the one in
her hands, hesitation written all over her face.
"What's the big deal?" asked Lanie. "Whose name
did you get?" She snatched the bag and read the tag before Kate could stop
her. "Castle? You're nervous about giving Castle a present?" A flash
of insight was followed by the spread of a knowing grin across her face.
"Ahhh, so I'm not the only one who's getting an inappropriate gift
tonight." She shook the bag and a small item shifted around inside.
"What is it?"
Kate snatched back the gift but didn't bother denying Lanie's
theory. "Forget it. This was a stupid idea."
Lanie snatched the present again-- liquid cheer apparently made
her cheery and quick-- and added it to the pile under the tree.
"Whatever it is, let it go and live a little. C'mon, you need punch."
*****
Castle found Ryan and Esposito at the food table.
"Merry Christmas, gentlemen. Have you tried the mini
pickles wrapped in corned beef? They're... fascinating."
Ryan eyed the pickle plate suspiciously. "Tell me
something, Castle. We're all friends here. Why is this so...not fun?"
Esposito gave a humorless grunt. "Nothing sucks the life
out of a party like mandatory attendance." He smiled and added, "But
I, for one, am making the most of the Secret Santa--"
"Winter Holiday Mystery Gift Exchange," intoned Ryan
and Castle in unison.
"Whatever. I got--"
"Whoa whoa whoa," Castle interrupted. "Ame-lay
arty-pay or not, the sacred rules of Secret Santa must be upheld. No revealing
your giftee until after the presents are opened."
"Fine, have it your way." Espo shrugged, but he was
obviously dying to share his brilliant purchase. "I'm gonna go hang out
with someone who's not the fun police."
As they watched Espo walk away, Castle asked Ryan, "He got
Lanie lingerie, didn't he?"
"Yep."
"Dead man walking."
"Yep."
Castle shook his head. "As for me, I am using this
opportunity to mend my fences with Gates. My creepy, collectible fences."
Ryan shuddered. "You actually found replacements for the
dolls you smashed? How much did that set you back?"
"It wasn't cheap," Castle admitted, "but it's a
small price to pay for a little goodwill."
He stabbed a toothpick through an hors d'oeuvre and offered it
to Ryan. "Now seriously, you should try a meat-covered pickle. There's
cream cheese involved somehow, too. It'll revolutionize your Christmas."
*****
Kate was nursing her first glass of punch as long as she could.
Hopefully the stupid gift exchange would happen soon and she could keep it to a
one-drink party. She and Castle didn't officially have plans for later, but she
was pretty sure they would as soon as he opened his gift. Nervous or not, she
couldn't repress her grin when she pictured the look on his face after he
pressed play...
"Did I say something funny?" Perlmutter asked.
She jolted back to reality. "No-- sorry, my mind wandered.
What were you saying?"
"I was telling a joke."
"Oh. Then...yes?"
"Forget it. I don't know why I bother coming to these
things."
The tinkling peal of a bell saved her from needing to reply.
"Can I have your attention please?" Gates announced. Her bell was
silver. Of course. "Gather 'round the tree. It's time to begin the gift
exchange!"
Kate gave Perlmutter an overly bright smile and said, "Duty
calls!" She angled towards Castle on the way to the tree, and together
they found a spot in the outside ring of participants. He leaned sideways into
her shoulder to give her a nudge as they sat side-by-side on the edge of a
desk.
"Happy Winter Holiday party," he smiled.
"Yeah, same to you," she replied in a flat tone.
"Why does that sound vaguely threatening?" he asked.
"I just want to get this over with and get out of
here."
"Why, do you have other plans this evening,
Detective?" Castle asked innocently.
"Maybe."
"Anything fun?"
"More like educational."
"Oh, really?" He grinned. "I am a great believer
in the value of lifelong learning."
"I'm counting on it."
Gates rang her bell again now that the final stragglers had
gathered. "Thank you all for coming," she began. "As you know,
you each drew a tag from the hat, and each of you used that same tag and the
identical gift bags I provided to wrap your gift. If you think you've got the
chops, try and figure out who your mystery gifter is."
She picked up a red bag from the top of the heap and searched
for the tag. "The first one is for...Mr. Castle." She continued
passing out the bags until the underside of the tree was empty.
"Alright, people, open your gifts, and let the guessing
begin. Good luck, and happy holidays."
People had just begun to pick ambivalently at the tape and
staples holding their bags closed when half the phones in the precinct came to
life. They didn’t even try to mask the relief on their faces as everyone sprang
up, dropped their bags and hurried to their desks.
"Is it my imagination, or does the staff seem really
enthusiastic about their jobs right now?" Castle asked. He got no answer,
because Beckett was already halfway across the bullpen. He sighed, then
followed her.
Ryan was the first to get to a phone. "Anonymous tip called
in of multiple bodies dropped in front of a building in Manhattan. Address
is...come again?" He asked the person on the other end of the line, then
frowned. "Address is...here."
"What do you mean the address is here?" Beckett asked.
"I mean it's our address, this building."
Beckett said, "Espo, would you please go down to the desk
and see if they have a pile of bodies?"
"I'm on it," he called over his shoulder on his way to
the elevator.
*****
Five minutes later, Esposito was back.
"What's going on down there?" Gates asked.
"The reports were true," he said. "I did find
multiple bodies." He held up a large evidence bag.
It was filled with gingerbread men.
Lanie poked at a cookie through the plastic with the hand that
wasn't holding punch. "I'm guessing cause of death was 12 minutes at 350
degrees." She giggled.
In Javi's other hand he held a Christmas card that featured
Santa's reindeer gathered around a punch bowl. "This was attached."
Castle took the card and flipped it open to read. "We're
sure your party needs livening up. You're welcome. Merry Christmas from the
54th."
"That's unbelievable," said Ryan.
"I know," agreed Castle. "How could reindeer
possibly hold punch glasses in their little cloven hooves?"
"Not the card," said Espo. "I can't believe my
old precinct would punk us like that. You know what this means, don't
you?"
"We need to move the meat pickles over to make room for the
cookies?" guessed Castle.
"Revenge," said Ryan. "And it needs to be
good."
"Come on, bro," said Espo, "let's gather the
troops for a war council." They headed for the conference room.
"Wait," called Gates, "aren't you going to open
your mystery gifts?"
"Yeah, of course we are," said Ryan, backing away.
"In just a minute."
Gates sighed. "I see the prevailing Christmas sentiment
around here is retribution. Well, I tried. I hope you all remember that the
next time someone asks."
"We will definitely remember, sir." Beckett said.
****
In the ensuing chaos of payback planning, the red bags were
temporarily forgotten. Eventually, one by one, the recipients went back to find
their gifts and open them, and Gates was right. The contents were a mystery to
nearly everyone.
Esposito's present was a gift basket filled with pre-wrapped
sausages and spreadable cheese balls. One of the most impersonal,
grab-it-from-a-kiosk-in-the-mall gifts known to man. He left it in the bag and
headed for the punch bowl.
Ryan walked over to meet him. "So what do you think?"
he asked, nodding towards Espo's desk.
"That was from you?" His partner was surprised; Ryan
was usually such a sap about meaningful gifts.
"It was Jenny's idea, actually. She said you needed a
set."
Javi looked in the direction of his gift, then back at his
partner. The sausage and cheeseball basket had suddenly gone from meaningless
to mean. "Jenny said I need a set? Why would she say that?"
Ryan frowned. "I don't know, she said you two were talking
and the topic came up. Why, are they the wrong size or something?"
"Hey, not cool, bro." Espo said. "Listen, she
asked me about Lanie, and I may have shared a few things, but I
didn't bring it up. I'm not one of those pathetic guys who can't stop talking
about getting back with their ex."
"Yeah, I know that."
"I thought Jenny liked me!"
"She does!" Ryan was now thoroughly confused.
"Look, if you don't like them, I’ve got the receipt. I didn't realize you
would get so defensive about guitar strings."
"Well what did you exp-- wait. Guitar strings?"
"Yeah. Aren’t we talking about your mystery gift?"
Esposito led Ryan to his desk, opened the bag and showed the
contents to his partner.
"A sausage basket?"
"Sausage basket."
"You must have taken the wrong bag."
Espo pointed to the tag marked 'Esposito' in permanent black
marker.
"Huh. Weird." Ryan replayed the last five minutes in
his head and snorted with a sudden burst of laughter. He opened his mouth to
comment.
"Just-- don't." Esposito held up a hand. "This
never happened."
"Got it."
*****
Castle found Gates refilling the punch bowl. "It's the
strangest thing," she said. "My mother's Very Berry Christmas Punch
has never been this popular before."
"It has certainly been a highlight of the party,"
Castle replied, casting his eyes around to see if the schnapps bandit was
lurking at the ready. "You've probably guessed that I'm your mystery
gifter."
"Oh?" She didn't seem as sure as he was, but he
pressed on.
"I hope this will help us put our past misunderstandings
behind us and start fresh next year."
Gates gave him a noncommittal look. "Well, I appreciate the
sentiment, Mr. Castle. I suspect you will continue to grace us with your
presence for years to come."
"Thank you, Captain. And Merry Christmas."
"Mm-hm."
As Castle walked away, Gates thought about the small, unmarked
mp3 player and earbuds in her office. She hadn't actually listened to it yet,
but now she was curious what the writer had to say.
*****
"I have to say, Javi, you surprised me." At the sound
of her voice behind him, Espo turned to face Lanie.
"I did?" He tried to read any murderous intent in her
face, but she seemed pleased.
"Yeah, this is very sweet," Lanie continued.
"I'll admit, I thought for sure you were going to do something horrifying
like give me underwear at an office party."
Espo schooled his face very, very carefully. "What? No way!
That would be..."
"Completely idiotic," finished Lanie. "But a gift
card for the wine shop I like? That's not bad." She smiled and added,
"I've had too much punch to make any promises, but call me next
week."
As he watched her walk away, Javi released the breath he hadn't
realized he was holding. Bullet: dodged.
*****
Kate had gotten the idea a few weeks ago after they watched A
Fish Called Wanda. She had been laughing at Jamie Lee Curtis's
ultra-turned-on reaction to John Cleese speaking Russian, to which Castle had
responded, "You laugh, but I know how she feels. Remember your cover
accent the night you rescued me from the Russian mobsters' poker game?"
"Yeah?"
"Hot."
"Vaht, you are meaning zis accent?" she asked,
slipping into it easily. "You think parusski is language of
love?"
Castle groaned and pulled her nearly into his lap, nuzzling her
neck. "So hot."
"Maybe if you are good boy I give you lessons."
Now here she was, at work, giving her boyfriend a recording she
made of phrases no respectable guidebook would ever print. This was so far
beyond a mix tape. She really was a lost cause.
He hadn't said a word yet, and the suspense was killing her.
When he finished mingling with a handful of uniforms from holding, she
approached him.
"So, do you like your present?"
He was about to shrug when he picked up on her nervous vibe.
"Was it from you?"
"Very funny. You said you wanted to learn, so I thought I'd
get you started."
"I did? I said that?"
"Well, more or less." This was not the reaction she
had expected. "I thought you would like it."
"I do! Of course I do!" he exclaimed, shifting into
damage control mode even though he had no idea why he needed to. "I was
just...surprised, that's all."
Beckett narrowed her eyes, her detective instincts tingling.
"Did you even listen to it yet?"
"Listen to it? No, not yet."
"Castle! Why not?!"
"I'm sorry! I didn't happen to bring a guitar with me
today."
"Wait-- what? Why would you need a guitar?"
"How else am I supposed to listen to these?" Castle
opened his bag and pulled out a set of steel guitar strings.
Kate could only stare at them for a few seconds. "That is
not your gift."
"Well, they were in a bag with my name on it. What was I
supposed to think?"
In a tight whisper she said, "Castle, your gift is 'Dirty
Russian, Volume One.'"
His eyes lit up. "A Fish Called Wanda! That's so
fantastic!"
She shook her head emphatically. "No, it is not fantastic.
Because if you have a bag of guitar strings..."
His eyebrows shot up as the other shoe dropped. "...then
someone else at this party is getting quite an education."
*****
Ten minutes later, the party-goers had worked out that every
single present went to the wrong person. The gingerbread prank had disrupted
the gift exchange at the perfect time to keep them from realizing immediately
what was going on-- too perfect.
"It's them again," Esposito said, practically shaking
his fist at the 54th. "The body drop was only a distraction to throw us
off. We have a traitor in our midst who switched all the tags."
"Be that as it may," Beckett said, "we're still
missing the gift I got for Castle. Who hasn't shown us their bag yet?"
"Only Gates is left," said Espo, and Beckett and
Castle both groaned.
"What about you, Beckett, what did you get?" Ryan
asked.
Kate gasped. "I forgot about mine!" She dove for her
desk and wrenched open the top of the last unopened bag.
Her hope was short-lived. Her shoulders slumped and she sat
heavily in her chair. She looked up at Castle. "We're dead."
Lanie peeked into the bag, then whipped around to face Javi with
a look of triumph. "I knew it!" With two fingers she lifted something
small, red, and mostly sheer out of the bag. "You are so busted,
mister."
*****
Beckett knocked on Gates's open office door. The captain was
sitting in the darkened room with a glass of punch, feet propped up on the
corner of the desk. Also on the desk was an open red bag.
"Sorry to intrude, sir..."
"No, please come in. I was just getting a moment of
peace." She took a sip from the cup in her hand, then considered the
liquid inside. "I see now why mama's punch is so popular ton. I'm liking
it more and more myself."
"Sir, I have something that belongs to you." Kate held
out the red bag that Perlmutter had willingly handed over. "It seems that
Phase II of today's prank involved switching all the gift tags."
“Ah. That explains a lot.” Gates looked inside the new bag and
smiled. "The Gemini! Thank God. I thought he had lost his mind."
Kate glanced at the bag on the desk, took a deep breath, and
pressed on. "Sir, I'm trying to sort out the mix up, and I believe you
ended up with Castle's gift."
"In that case, you'd better take it." She picked up
the bag and handed it to Beckett. Kate peered in and confirmed that the
contents were intact.
"Thank you, sir," she said, but didn't turn to leave.
"Is there something else, Detective?"
"By any chance, did you...listen to it?"
"Why do you wonder?" The woman had an impressive poker
face; Kate couldn't read her at all.
"Just curious. Never mind, I'll see you on Monday,"
she said in a rush, and turned to go.
Beckett had reached the doorway when Gates spoke up again.
"It turns out Mr. Castle isn't the only one with a talent for words."
Kate froze and slowly turned back. Crap. "I'm not sure what
you mean."
Gates was looking into her cup again. "This is very good
punch, Detective. But I have not had so much that tomorrow I won't remember
this evening."
"Sir, let me explain--"
Gates cut her off. "However, I have had enough to put me in
a holiday mood. The kind of mood that lets me pretend I just listened to
surveillance from an undercover operation in a Russian brothel. The kind of
mood that lets me continue pretending that I don't suspect a thing."
"Continue...pretending?"
Gates took another sip of punch and pulled the Gemini dolls out
of the bag to admire them.
"Good night, Detective."
*****
Castle intercepted her as she came out of Gates's office. She
looked a little stunned.
"Well?" he asked. She handed him his present.
"Here. Merry Christmas."
"What happened?"
"I'm not sure. But we might be okay." She shook her
head to clear it. "I'll fill you in later. Let's get out of here."
*****
Kate didn't even wait for the elevator doors to close completely
before she turned to rest her hands on Castle's chest. The accent was back.
"So are you ready for first lesson?"
Castle wrapped both arms around her waist. "I am your
pupil, eager to learn. I'm tempted to make a joke about my sharpened pencil,
but maybe that's too much."
Kate leaned in to brush her lips close to his ear. “С
Рождеством, Castle*.”
"What you said."
THE END
*****
*Merry
Christmas, Castle
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